As you may have noticed by now, the bullying epidemic is something that I have strong opinions of. Here's my latest rant...
Public Schools have a Zero Tolerance policy regarding fighting. This means that when there is a physical altercation in a public school, both parties are given the same punishment, regardless of ANY extenuating circumstances. I'm sure that the policy sounded good to the legal departments of our nation's public schools. Having a flat, one-size-fits-all policy means less chance of having to defend a lawsuit by a parent saying that their child was given a different punishment for the same offense. This also makes it easy for a school principal to say "I'm sorry ma'am/sir, that is our policy, and I'm not allowed to deviate from it". It gives the school admin an easy out, and takes all thinking out of the situation. How do I know this? I've watched these scenarios play out over and over during teaching experience. I've sat in on countless parent-teacher-admin conferences, and seen the pain in parents' faces as they try an advocate for their child who is being bullied at school. I've listened to the responses by fellow teachers and admins, and even remember feeling powerless to help these kids.
The problem, as I'm sure you can guess, is that situations in life are not black & white. The Zero Tolerance policy tries to make it that way. There is absolutely no allowance for self-defense. If you defend yourself, you get expelled. Period. If you tried to defend yourself, you were wrong for not "running away" or going to tell a teacher. However, this doesn't account for being cornered, such as in a school restroom (where many fights take place). So, if this is the message we are sending to our children, then what do we expect them to do when they are physically bullied by another student? If our children fear defending themselves, they empower those who would do them harm for their own amusement.
Now, I'm not advocating telling students to perform eye gouges, fish hooks, and haymaker punches to get out of a situation. There are several less harming techniques that can be used to get out of a situation and protect yourself. We teach these as part of our martial arts curriculum at CFMA. I am in favor of allowing a school administrator to use some good judgement to determine if there was a need for self-defense. However, until our lawmakers and state school admins recognize that this has to be changed, each parent has to make a decision of what to tell their child. Their are risks/rewards to be considered. As for me, I'm going to echo the words of my father who said "Son, don't fight if you don't have to, but if you are cornered and have to fight and then get in trouble, I'll support you".
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Spidey Senses
I remember Saturday mornings as a child. My brother and I would get up early (mom was still sleeping), grab a bowl of cereal and our breakfast trays and plop down in front of the T.V. I'm ashamed to say that we would watch several hours of morning cartoons (but then I turned out o.k., right?), and among them was Spiderman and Friends. Peter Parker would get a spidey tingle whenever danger was near or something bad was about to happen. This spidey sense would give him the edge to prepare for a menacing villain or some type of disaster.
Do you have "spidey senses"? Of course you do. The real question is do you listen to them, and use them to prepare for what might happen.
Last week, I went with my wife and kids to a play date at the local Chick-fil-a. The kids met, and ventured into the glass box called the play area. My wife and the other children's mother sat a table to engage in conversation and talk about..."mom things". I took a seat at a nearby table so as not to interrupt their talk.
About 10 minutes later, I hear someone talking very loudly to one of the cashiers. Sounded like he was giving them a lecture about something biblical in nature. I didn't pay much attention...until he sat down at a table near the mothers. It was a completely empty resteurant, save myself and the two mothers at the table.
He sat there, eating his chicken sandwich and picking at his golden colored waffle fries. He was eating and staring. My spidey sense was giving a cautionary ring. Possible threat detected. Defenses up.
"Those your kids?" he asked, as he pushed a bulge of chicken to one side of his mouth.
My wife nodded.
I stared at him. Did a quick head to toe check. Then a quick scan of the room to check exits and identify weapons of opportunity. Does a bendy straw and plastic fork count?
He then proceeded to interrupt the conversation between my wife and her new friend about once every 2 minutes. As soon as they would get back on track, he would butt in.
Among other things he talked about, he gave a short dissertation on the history of Union County Public Schools, and how we have one of the best systems in the state. Then in a flash of contradiction, explained what was wrong with teaching and kids today. When some new patrons entered the dining room, he did the same. You could see the tension in the room. You could also tell these people were also uncomfortable with his assertive demeanor.
After several interchanges where he would lecture and only be met with a nod and then a turn away, he finished his meal and left. The whole exhange lasted about 15 minutes.
No harm done.
Some might say I was being paranoid or pessimistic about the nature of people.
Those are the same people who look like a deer in the headlights when something bad does come their way. Its called "situational awareness".
Here's my analysis of the situation:
Warning Sign # 1: Resteurant patron speaking in a voice volume much louder than what is necessary.
Warning Sign #2: Despite a completely empty dining room, sits down at a nearby table to where we are.
Warning Sign #3: Repeatedly interrupts conversation and trys to evoke a reply that would possibly allow him to argue and give a lecture on a subject of his choosing.
I say look to the animal kingdom and then tell me if I'm wrong. Any animal looking to exert dominance on another typically does 1 or all 3 (in their own way). Dogs get louder and change pitch when walking up on other unfamiliar dogs. Then proximity is used to further exert dominance, acting as a silent threat. If that doesn't work and the other dog walks away or ignores, the dominating dog looks to interfere with their path of exit or use body language to convey a threat.
This guy was harmless. He was looking to be the dominant figure in the room. He accomplished this by being assertive and relentless with his comments and questions. For the most part, he succeeded. I never engaged him, verbally or otherwise. Not every person that acts this way is harmless. Would he have been willing to exert dominance physically? Who knows? The next guy might.
God gave us this spidey sense for a reason. Use it. Be aware. Be ready.
Do you have "spidey senses"? Of course you do. The real question is do you listen to them, and use them to prepare for what might happen.
Last week, I went with my wife and kids to a play date at the local Chick-fil-a. The kids met, and ventured into the glass box called the play area. My wife and the other children's mother sat a table to engage in conversation and talk about..."mom things". I took a seat at a nearby table so as not to interrupt their talk.
About 10 minutes later, I hear someone talking very loudly to one of the cashiers. Sounded like he was giving them a lecture about something biblical in nature. I didn't pay much attention...until he sat down at a table near the mothers. It was a completely empty resteurant, save myself and the two mothers at the table.
He sat there, eating his chicken sandwich and picking at his golden colored waffle fries. He was eating and staring. My spidey sense was giving a cautionary ring. Possible threat detected. Defenses up.
"Those your kids?" he asked, as he pushed a bulge of chicken to one side of his mouth.
My wife nodded.
I stared at him. Did a quick head to toe check. Then a quick scan of the room to check exits and identify weapons of opportunity. Does a bendy straw and plastic fork count?
He then proceeded to interrupt the conversation between my wife and her new friend about once every 2 minutes. As soon as they would get back on track, he would butt in.
Among other things he talked about, he gave a short dissertation on the history of Union County Public Schools, and how we have one of the best systems in the state. Then in a flash of contradiction, explained what was wrong with teaching and kids today. When some new patrons entered the dining room, he did the same. You could see the tension in the room. You could also tell these people were also uncomfortable with his assertive demeanor.
After several interchanges where he would lecture and only be met with a nod and then a turn away, he finished his meal and left. The whole exhange lasted about 15 minutes.
No harm done.
Some might say I was being paranoid or pessimistic about the nature of people.
Those are the same people who look like a deer in the headlights when something bad does come their way. Its called "situational awareness".
Here's my analysis of the situation:
Warning Sign # 1: Resteurant patron speaking in a voice volume much louder than what is necessary.
Warning Sign #2: Despite a completely empty dining room, sits down at a nearby table to where we are.
Warning Sign #3: Repeatedly interrupts conversation and trys to evoke a reply that would possibly allow him to argue and give a lecture on a subject of his choosing.
I say look to the animal kingdom and then tell me if I'm wrong. Any animal looking to exert dominance on another typically does 1 or all 3 (in their own way). Dogs get louder and change pitch when walking up on other unfamiliar dogs. Then proximity is used to further exert dominance, acting as a silent threat. If that doesn't work and the other dog walks away or ignores, the dominating dog looks to interfere with their path of exit or use body language to convey a threat.
This guy was harmless. He was looking to be the dominant figure in the room. He accomplished this by being assertive and relentless with his comments and questions. For the most part, he succeeded. I never engaged him, verbally or otherwise. Not every person that acts this way is harmless. Would he have been willing to exert dominance physically? Who knows? The next guy might.
God gave us this spidey sense for a reason. Use it. Be aware. Be ready.
Monday, October 11, 2010
One of Many Gifts...
This weekend, I spent approximately 10 hours driving to martial art events. It gives a guy a lot of time to think.
Saturday was the "Foundations Seminar Series" at Triangle Kung Fu Arnis Academy in Raleigh, NC. We spent about 7 hours training in multiple disciplines; kung fu, balintawak, modern arnis, aikido, BJJ, etc. My mind is still reeling from all of the information. The teachers of these classes happen to be great friends of mine that I made while living in Raleigh. There is absolutely zero presence of ego at these events. We all truly enjoy each other's company and believe in sharing knowledge with each other. Most of us have moved on to other jobs, locations, etc, but we always look forward to events where we can meet again and train.
Sunday was the International Martial Arts Symposium in Columbia, SC held at the Marriott Hotel in the downtown area. I wasn't originally planning on going to this, but I got an IM from another martial arts brother asking if I could come down and assist with presenting a demo of Balintawak. He has certainly done me a favor or two in the past...how could I say no? So down I went. We put on a dynamic display of stick fighting skills that enabled me to hear a few "oohs" and "aahs" from the crowd.
So where am I going with this, you may ask?
Through the martial arts, I have received many gifts. One gift is that I have met and made friends with some of the nicest, most honorable people I could hope to know (I've come across a few nuts I try to avoid also, but that's another story). We have a bond forged through a common goal...to be good people, and great martial artists. Even though I didn't meet these people until well into my adult life, I know that I can pick up the phone and they will be here to help. They can count on me to do the same (like this past Sunday). There are few activities in life where you can make friends like this, and of this caliber.
Driving home yesterday, the closing line of the movie "Stand By Me" was ringing through my brain. "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anybody?".
Yes, I do.
Thanks, guys. You know who you are...
Saturday was the "Foundations Seminar Series" at Triangle Kung Fu Arnis Academy in Raleigh, NC. We spent about 7 hours training in multiple disciplines; kung fu, balintawak, modern arnis, aikido, BJJ, etc. My mind is still reeling from all of the information. The teachers of these classes happen to be great friends of mine that I made while living in Raleigh. There is absolutely zero presence of ego at these events. We all truly enjoy each other's company and believe in sharing knowledge with each other. Most of us have moved on to other jobs, locations, etc, but we always look forward to events where we can meet again and train.
Sunday was the International Martial Arts Symposium in Columbia, SC held at the Marriott Hotel in the downtown area. I wasn't originally planning on going to this, but I got an IM from another martial arts brother asking if I could come down and assist with presenting a demo of Balintawak. He has certainly done me a favor or two in the past...how could I say no? So down I went. We put on a dynamic display of stick fighting skills that enabled me to hear a few "oohs" and "aahs" from the crowd.
So where am I going with this, you may ask?
Through the martial arts, I have received many gifts. One gift is that I have met and made friends with some of the nicest, most honorable people I could hope to know (I've come across a few nuts I try to avoid also, but that's another story). We have a bond forged through a common goal...to be good people, and great martial artists. Even though I didn't meet these people until well into my adult life, I know that I can pick up the phone and they will be here to help. They can count on me to do the same (like this past Sunday). There are few activities in life where you can make friends like this, and of this caliber.
Driving home yesterday, the closing line of the movie "Stand By Me" was ringing through my brain. "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anybody?".
Yes, I do.
Thanks, guys. You know who you are...
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Power of Confidence
As a child, I was...a wallflower. I often walked with my shoulderns slouched forward, eyes to the ground as I wandered through the maze of childhood and young adolescence. For one year of middle school, I was the target of two bullies who would use me to alleviate their boredom. Usually the bullying was verbal, sometimes physical. One of them, (we'll call him Scott) was always trying to push me into a fight. He wanted it so bad he could taste it. I finally did hit my breaking point one day in our gym locker room..but that's another story altogether. For now, I'd like to comment on the importance of showing confidence (even if you don't have it) as a means to avoid bullying, and how the martial arts helps to instill this in children.
Posture. As a child, my father would constantly nag me about this. "Stand up straight! Look me in the eyes when we talk!". Many of us heard the same thing as children and think back on it now as nagging. Little did I know that these virtues that my father was pushing me to display are actually ones that can deter bullies. Walking upright, with shoulders and chin up are a nonverbal communication that says "I am confident and comfortable with myself". Bullies look for easy, weak, targets. A nonverbal display of low self esteem and confidence can be the beacon that the bully looks for.
Fake it until you make it. This phrase was taught to me later in life, when as a young beginning teacher I was nervous in front of a class of 30 students. Showing a lack of confidence would expose weakness, and a classroom full of 11 year olds would be more than happy to exploit it. So, even though I was unsure of myself and my decisons - I faked it. Somewhere along the way I was doing less faking. Never certain what was the turning point, but by the end of the school year I felt confident and was recognized for having good classroom management skills. So, even if your child is panic stricken at the thought of walking the halls amongst the sea of students, if they stop and consciously make an effort to show good posture, they can fake it until they make it.
Martial arts. The very nature of what we do promotes confidence. However, we also work on specific skills that demonstrate it. Whether it be our bow (with eyes up and on instructor), or having a student who has recently mastered a drill or exercise lead the rest of the class. Promote this behavior and encourage your child to attempt to display these same qualities at school can "beat the bully".
more to come...
Posture. As a child, my father would constantly nag me about this. "Stand up straight! Look me in the eyes when we talk!". Many of us heard the same thing as children and think back on it now as nagging. Little did I know that these virtues that my father was pushing me to display are actually ones that can deter bullies. Walking upright, with shoulders and chin up are a nonverbal communication that says "I am confident and comfortable with myself". Bullies look for easy, weak, targets. A nonverbal display of low self esteem and confidence can be the beacon that the bully looks for.
Fake it until you make it. This phrase was taught to me later in life, when as a young beginning teacher I was nervous in front of a class of 30 students. Showing a lack of confidence would expose weakness, and a classroom full of 11 year olds would be more than happy to exploit it. So, even though I was unsure of myself and my decisons - I faked it. Somewhere along the way I was doing less faking. Never certain what was the turning point, but by the end of the school year I felt confident and was recognized for having good classroom management skills. So, even if your child is panic stricken at the thought of walking the halls amongst the sea of students, if they stop and consciously make an effort to show good posture, they can fake it until they make it.
Martial arts. The very nature of what we do promotes confidence. However, we also work on specific skills that demonstrate it. Whether it be our bow (with eyes up and on instructor), or having a student who has recently mastered a drill or exercise lead the rest of the class. Promote this behavior and encourage your child to attempt to display these same qualities at school can "beat the bully".
more to come...
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