Advice for Parents of a Bullied Child

When I was in 6th grade, I had a few issues with bullies.  I didn't share much with my parents, so I dealt with it.  Silently.  I already knew how my father felt about bullies.  They needed taken down a notch.  I was expected to stand up for myself and deal with it.  If need be, I had prior permission to take things up a notch and strike if I felt cornered. 

Now, 25+ years later, I am a father myself.  I want my son to be strong.  I want him to be confident.  I want him to be able to defend himself. 

But sometimes, I think its o.k. for Daddy to step in.  Bullying is one of those things where I will be ready to step in.  Our children are exposed to much more than we were as kids.  There are even creative new ways to be a bully, like cyberbullying.  Despite all the attention that bullying has received lately from the press, the White House, and legislators, there is still not enough being done to handle the problem.  Just making everyone aware of how bad bullying can be is not enough.  You want change?  Be prepared to fight for it.

Here's a few suggestions that may help, based on my experiences as the bullied, and as a classroom teacher.

1.  Don't assume your child will tell you much, or any of what is going on at school.  Watch for the signs of bullying.  They tend to be the same signs they tell you are signs of drug use.  Acting withdrawn, mood swings, decline in grades, and other big changes in behavior. 

2.  If you have identified that your child is being bullied, its time to act.  First thing, do some recon.  Talk to your child and at least try and find out who is doing the bullying and where it is happening.  If they just won't tell you, don't give up.  Make a phone call to the parents of one of his/her close friends.  They may be able to get some basic details of what is going on.

3.  Go in and talk to your child's teachers and an administrator.  Do this NOW.  Tell them it can't wait.  Let them know that you are concerned about your child's safety and change in behavior.  Allow the teachers to respond and LISTEN to them.  They may have some insight about what is going on, and what role, if any, your child is playing in the problem.  THEN, tell them what you expect to see happen.  If bullying is happening in the halls or bathroom, tell them you expect more supervision. (often, teachers hang out in their rooms inbetween class changes).  If it is happening during a class, (and yes it does - bullying can be very subtle) let them know you expect an immediate seat change.  If it is on the bus, you want your child in a seat near the driver.  Get the idea?  ADVOCATE FOR YOUR CHILD. 
ON THAT NOTE:  Make sure your expectations revolve around your own child. If you go in for the conference and do nothing but gripe about the bully, not much will get done.   Let the administrator know you expect to see the bully disciplined according to the code of conduct for the school.  Most important is to lay out the changes you expect to see that are going to improve the quality of life for your child.

4.  BE AWARE OF YOUR RIGHTS.  Your child has a right to a safe, secure learning environment. If your child is being bullied, and it is affecting their education, then it is BREAKING THE LAW.  See here, http://www.bullypolice.org/NC_law2009.pdf  and look at the definition of bullying.    In a court of law, it would not be a tough argument to say that a bullied child is being subjected to a hostile environment that affects their educational opportunities and performance.   School systems have been successfully sued on much more ambiguous policies. The Bully Law is pretty clear.  Familiarize yourself with this document.
If, during a conference with an administrator, they make the mistake of telling you that they know the bully is a problem, but that they cannot make any changes, they have just hung themselves with their own rope.  I have had 2 seperate administrators at 2 different schools warn the entire teaching staff against making such comments.  They know that it effectively makes them liable and responsible for paying for your child's education in a private setting, if they can't provide a safe learning environment in the public setting, and verbalize the idea. I'm sure they'd like to string me up by my toes for telling you this, but when it comes to your children, its o.k. to fight dirty. Be sure to document everything.  If something like this happens, consult an attorney.  Have them draft a letter to your child's administrator, making sure to cc: the superintendent, yourself, and anyone else your attorney deems appropriate.  Nothing gets a bureaucrat moving like the threat of being sued. 

5.  If the Bullying involves physical intimidation, hitting, pushing, or any other type of assault - consider filing a report with the police.  Even if the police do not go and speak with the parents of the bully, you will have started a paper trail that will be seen in court, if it ever goes that far.  However, with the amount of attention that bullying has received lately, many police departments are giving it more serious thought.  Even if the schools are not making any progress, you may be able to use the police and the judicial system to get things done.

6.  DO NOT GIVE UP.  DON'T  LET UP.  DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. BE YOUR CHILD'S ADVOCATE.  This is your child.  Bullying can affect their confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, and overall happiness for years to come.  It could make the difference in whether your child grows up to be a well-adjusted, happy, productive adult or a depressed, underperforming,  unhappy adult.  Don't feel bad that your taking an aggressive role in this fight.  Don't let other people tell you things like "aw, maybe the bully is really unhappy and has a bad home life".  This is your kid.  Someone else is making their life miserable.  We cannot let someone drag your child down into misery so that they will have company.  Fixing the issues with the bully's life is another issue  that needs addressed - by someone else - not you.   Don't let it overshadow the rights of your child.

more to come...

A good cause

I can verify that this is legit.  The people holding this iPad2 giveaway are good friends of mine.  They are attempting to adopt a little boy from the Ukraine.  They are taking on a very big task, as if adopting a child isn't enough, this little boy, Danil, has Down's Syndrome as well.  Consider making a donation and getting added to the iPad2 drawing.

http://addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com/2011/03/madd-ipad2-giveaway.html